Godulike

The Team at godulike · Posted: Thu May 26, 2023 9:06 am Post subject: Best God Jokes

In my view some threads in the forums are heading towards a metaphysical melt down so in order (hopefully) to bring a little humour back into the proceedings here is an old idea.

So bring them on……… (me first)

Early morning: Big Sur: Cal. US Late ‘70’s
So this Surf Dude is chilling out on the beach and God appears.
“Hey dude how ya doing?”
“Cool dude, you?
“Look, this won’t take long. It’s just that it’s your turn.”
“Turn?”
“Yea. Your turn for a wish. Whatever you want. Your turn.”
“Cool!”
“Go on then, I haven’t got all day!”
So Surf Dude thinks for a moment and then says: “Okay, I want a six lane highway from right here to Hawaii – so I can drive over for the surfing. Okay?”
“Shit!” Says God. Do you have any idea of what trouble that will cause? What environmental issues that will raise? How much concrete, steel? Could you..er.. maybe think of something else? Please?”
Surf Dude thinks again and says, “Okay, make it so my girlfriend really understands me.”
God has a think and then says: “Would you settle for a four lane highway?”

EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT

Not being funny…
But
In the interests of Keeping things simple I have deleted – and will delete – any analysis, repetition or comments.

However, just so it does not get lost (and thanks Maisie) here is her link: https://www.sillyjokes.co.uk/games/farting-nun.html

Martyn.

seattlegal · Posted: Thu May 26, 2023 10:10 am Post subject:

Why God never received a PhD:
1. God had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt that God wrote it.
6. It may be true that God created the world, but what has the Creator done since then?
7. God's cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating God's results.
9. God never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry God tried to cover it by drowning the subjects.
11. God rarely came to class and just told students to read the book.
12. Some say God's son had teach the class instead.
13. God expelled the first two students for learning.
14. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of God's students failed the tests.
15. God's office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
16. No record of working well with colleagues.
_________________
"Imperfection clings to a person, and if they wait till they are brushed off entirely, they would spin for ever on their axis, advancing nowhere."
Thomas Carlyle

seattlegal · Posted: Thu May 26, 2023 10:12 am Post subject:

The Preacher Golfs
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he got, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do. The urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant and told him that he was sick and could not attend church. Then he packed up the car, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he's doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung, and the ball sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A perfect hole-in-one. The preacher was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
_________________
"Imperfection clings to a person, and if they wait till they are brushed off entirely, they would spin for ever on their axis, advancing nowhere."
Thomas Carlyle

Ananda Hari · Is anybody out there? Joined: 23 May 2023 Posts: 82

A teacher offered a prize of 50p to any student who could tell her who was the greatest person ever.
One child guessed Mother Teresa and the teacher said she is great but she is not the greatest person, another child said Mahatma Gandhi; the teacher again said that he is a great person but not the greatest. Then one Indian boy put his hand up and said it was Jesus Christ, the teacher was very impressed and gave the boy 50p, she then asked him how he knew since he is not even a Christian, the boy said I was going to say Krishna but hey business is business.

Maisie · Posted: Thu May 26, 2023 7:58 pm Post subject:

The Missionary's Horse

A young man is lost and walking in the desert.
One hot day, he spots the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.

The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out, he sees the missionaries horse. He goes back into the house and asks the him if he could borrow his horse.

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say `Thank God' to make it go and `Amen' to make it stop.

"Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees a cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.

"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"

Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops four inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."
_________________
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

aged hippy · Posted: Wed Jun 01, 2023 11:11 am Post subject: Uncertainty ???

An "Odd" if not a "God" joke, which — it is alleged — really did happen.

Police Officer (on stopping Werner Heisenberg for speeding):
"Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg:
"No, Officer, I have no idea, but I do know precisely where I am."

_________________
"Consciousness is a singular for which there is no plural." — Erwin Schrödinger
=
"It looks to every side and sees itself from itself." — The Sophia of Jesus Christ

now · Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2023 2:36 pm Post subject:

A Buddhist walked into a pizza parlor and said 'make me one with everything'.

Markandeya · Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2023 5:20 am Post subject:

In heaven the mystics and sages were dancing and enjoying eternal life. when in the distance they saw a big wall. One of the sages was inquisitive, and went closer. He then asked sombody near by how a wall can exist in heaven. Its ok, the other man replied, its for the christians they think there the only ones up here.
anandamayo bhyasat

clabhdhu · Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2023 11:44 am Post subject:

OK, I know, this is really a doctor joke --

What's the difference between God and doctors?

God doesn't think he's a doctor.
_________________
You must be the change you wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Gandhi

Rat_bytes · Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2023 4:07 pm Post subject:

Deciding that they needed a few hours of vacation from Heaven, God and Jesus went down to earth to play some golf. Going into the last hole, which was a difficult par 5, they are par for par. Jesus walks up to the tee, swings, and makes a beautiful 200 yard drive. Another shot takes him up onto the green and with a final 20-foot shot, sinks the ball for a birdie.

God stood there looking thoughtful, then scratched his head, and finally steps up to the tee. He pulls back, hits the ball, and watches it as it cuts to the left and goes straight into the woods.

About that time, a squirrel stuck its head out of its nest in a old tree only to be struck squarely between the eyes with a golf ball. Knocked senseless with the ball lodge between its ears, the squirrel falls towards the ground and lands on a rabbit. Startled, the rabbit takes off out of the woods and straight onto the green. Just as it gets close to the cup, an eagle swoops out of sky and grabs the rabbit with the squirrel still on its back. The eagle begins circling back up into the heavens when a bolt of lightening streaks out of the cloudless sky and strikes the eagle dead. The eagle's prey plummets towards the green below, and as the rabbit with the squirrel on its back bounces off the ground for a second time, the golf ball dislodges from between the squirrels ears. The ball rolls across the green getting closer and closer to the cup. It then sits precariously on the lip of the cup for a few seconds and then finally falls in.

Jesus looks over at God and says , "Come on, Dad. Are you going to fuck around, or are you going to play golf?"
_________________
Las Reglas De la Rata.

The Team at godulike · Posted: Thu Jun 30, 2023 12:26 pm Post subject:

This from Candrodaya:
Transferred from Silly Ideas

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated, "Jonah was swallowed by a whale." Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Ananda Hari · Is anybody out there? Joined: 23 May 2023 Posts: 82

This is an old one but I still think its funny.
"A dislexic agnostic insomniac lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog"

Freez · Is anybody out there? Joined: 08 Jun 2023 Posts: 87

Another one about Vivekanada:

Vivekananda takes off his turban near a hotdog stand and says:

"Make me one with everything"

seattlegal · Posted: Fri Jul 01, 2023 1:04 pm Post subject:

An atheist complained to a Christian friend, "You Christians have your sacred holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. Jews celebrate their national holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. But we atheists have no recognized national holidays. It's unfair discrimination."

His friend replied, "Why don't you celebrate April first?"
_________________
"Imperfection clings to a person, and if they wait till they are brushed off entirely, they would spin for ever on their axis, advancing nowhere."
Thomas Carlyle

Candrodaya · Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2023 3:03 pm Post subject: